“He missed it, sitting opposite her…So that was all over…Why had he obstinately clung to that dream?
So all these years–since when?–he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.”
–Paz Marquez Benitez, “Dead Stars”
Rainy Sunday night. Sawian na!
Not for today though.
Missed opportunities, though, a more pressing issue. Too bad for him he lost both.
Anyway, back to topic. We just had a teleserye-like fight earlier. Kind of happens once or twice a month where you’ll hear shouting that make soap operas look cheap and shallow (okay, myabe a bit of an exaggeration there, but it’s getting there). This prompted me to reflect on a few things while being alive.
What would have happened have I not seen *this* major in the ACET application form? What would have happened if I actually managed to decide in time to transfer schools for high school? What would have happened if I wasn’t actually born at all?
Let’s try to answer the first.
One would be I’d probably be in DLSU right now, studying computer science and probably in hell week mode for the upcoming finals while still feeling a bit bitter for not being able to get away from some of my batchmates (more on that some other time).
I transferred to *that* nearby school. Might probably be a different person. Might probably lead a different life. Might even have a relationship with someone. A different set of friends, a different mindset, a different personality altogether. Might not even be studying here in the first place.
Due to the almost monthly even-louder-than-telenovela-episodes in the house, I can’t help to be but be a bit more bitter and dark than usual. Sometimes even to the point of lightly running thoughts of suicide of various means (my favorite would be a gun to the head, quick and painless, but there’s a more elegant method, I guess.) Also, I’ve stopped expecting much from pretty much anything. Sure, there’s still that high standard for me but there’s just this point where it has no meaning anymore since I never hit it. Setting low expectations kind of eases things a bit. You wouldn’t be disappointed for not meeting your personal standards, but still get frustrated for failure to meet said standards.
So, what’s the point?
Point is, while we can’t always have cake and eat it too (by the way, the cake is a lie; so is the pie), we might as well just make up with what we have. That includes opportunities. Including the ones that we missed. A fact of life, a fact that keeps me happily miserable.
Lost dreams and frustrated options. The enemy of an indecisive mind.
It’s a f-ing rainy Sunday night. I’m supposed to be happy but the wind is just scaring the crap out of me. We just lost power and internet, and possibly phone due to a now-dead transformer. This sucks. Add that to a fear of a loose piece of GI (no, not that GI, you know what I mean [do you?]) steel suddenly tearing off from the roof of a warehouse directly behind our house which is also adjacent to a junk shop where the warehouse is located in. Crap life this really is.
Kinda explains why ramming a wall head-on at 100kph in EDSA tomorrow became an option.