Validation

There’s little motivation for me to do work. Facing deadlines now mean nothing. Even if I wanted it to.

When I’m bored, I tend to drive fast. Sometimes only a little faster than usual, sometimes pulling hard and fast right angle turns with the handbrake. It gets my heart racing but not always has it felt enough, and I am frequently left with wanting more. I know it’s not right, but putting this habit to a stop makes driving a chore. No thrill, no pull, no inertia pushing your body against the seat, only seatbelts keeping yourself from making a hole through tempered glass and violently French kissing asphalt in the event. Vibrations emanating from a front mounted, 1.5 liter four cylinder, 107 horsepower roaring through. Dodging traffic becomes a game.
Leave your soul behind at clutch drop.

Morning or night drives occasionally become exciting when there’s another driver in the mood for a quick drag or chase. Challenges are made by tailing close, or matching speed and traveling alongside. No further coordination needed.
Powershift and floor the gas pedal to accept. Slow down and let them pass to decline. Finish lines only appear when paths diverge.
Don’t forget to mind the redline.

I frequently daydream about having a twin turbo Nissan V6, or a supercharged Subaru Boxer. But of course.
Others hear noise.
I hear paradise.

Global warming is usually forgotten during these games. No money involved, only satisfaction. And a shaking knee. Passengers holding on, pissing their seats, maybe crying, if that’s not their thing.
But I don’t do this with passengers. They add weight.

A stoplight.
Green. Floor it.

I’m bored.

Watch out, there’s an oncoming 16-wheeler.

Near misses are near misses. You and your car are still in one piece, and you’re still alive. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the clutch, brakes, and transmission.

I still feel empty.

At night, things are different. I value silence.
I want my bed and my pillow. Laptop on the table. Maybe a cup of freshly pressed coffee.
Nobody come in. I don’t come out.

Turn on laptop.

Wait.

Open Firefox.
Open Thunderbird.
Alt+tab, Firefox.
Open Facebook.
Ctrl+T, open WordPress.
Ctrl+tab, log in Facebook.
Alt+tab, Thunderbird.
Check mail.
Check Twitter.

Nothing new.
Nothing interesting.

Alt+tab, Firefox.
Check Facebook.
Check WordPress.

Nothing new.

Log out.
Alt+F4, Firefox.
Minimize Thunderbird.

Make a list of pending homework with pen and paper.
Despair at the fact of a mountain of work to be done.
Check phones.
Lie in bed, face down.

Tangina ayoko na.

Sleep.

Wake up.
Again, despair. Time was wasted.
8PM on a Sunday night. Barely anything done.

“Kain na!”

Sigh.
Go downstairs. Pretend nothing’s happening. Wear a blank face, the everyday.
Eat.
Don’t look up.
Just eat.

Finish, quietly leave and go back upstairs.

Sit.

Sit.

Fidget.

Head down on the table.

I want to do homework but I can’t start.
Frozen.
Where to start? Which one?

“I don’t know. Pick one.”

“God, this is complicated.”

Do nothing.

“I’m tired of this shit.”

Set an alarm for 4AM.
Hell, set three. One on the laptop, one each for both phones.

4AM.
Three alarms simultaneously fire.
Snooze.

7AM.
Three alarms simultaneously fire.
Snooze.

7:30AM.
Two alarms fire a minute apart.
Groan.
Get up.

“Tangina ano ginawa ko.”

Just try to get through the day.
Drive to school.

Try not to break down while on the road again.

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One thought on “Validation”

  1. Mag elective ka na ng nonfic! :) (yung seminar kung mas nahirapan ka sa workshop… pero may workshop rin yun ng isang beses)

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