While browsing through my social media accounts, I noticed that there were a little less than the usual number of people. One too less, to be exact. There may be others, but I might have missed.
I was invited to that party, but I don’t know if your invitation was just for formality. I asked you if you really wanted me to be there and you said yes, I don’t remember if there was hesitation on your part. In hindsight, asking if you really wanted me to be there is a pointless exercise. Of course you’d say yes! You already gave out the invitation. You can’t take it back even if you wanted to.
Then you were willing to stick yourselves to more than full in the car rather than join me in the drive, I don’t know what to feel about that. I mean yeah, I’m a crazy driver and all that, but really? Maybe that delay I had to deal with was a good excuse for you to go ahead and it won’t be obvious? Yeah you called but I still can’t trust that. We arrived to your place only half an hour apart.
When you left the place, you all left, save for one person. And that person rode with me. Did you tell him to stay behind? So it won’t be obvious? Yeah one had to go ahead because airport and all, then the rest? I don’t understand.
I’ve tried to limit my presence in social media, but I do recognize it as useful tools. One of the functions I find it useful for is being a social barometer between a relationship between a person and I. When I get taken off their list of contacts, there are two conflicting reactions arise: one, of anger or disappointment, and two, a reminder to myself that I shouldn’t really give a fuck.
But I don’t have the right to be angry with them. I’ve had my share of faults. I’ve been terribly daft. Socially inept, even. Maybe creepy? Maybe I’ve been just that third wheel for you guys? I ask out and get declined? Someone else does and you’re all game? Did I realize this three years too late? Am I being tagged along because you had to invite me because I happened to be around when you asked out?
I don’t know.
Maybe I shouldn’t give a fuck about you all? I don’t know which is genuine and which is plastic. There is this strong paranoia against your motives. But then what we’ve been through these past four years? Or maybe you’re not different from what I had back in high school?
Can I go for a drive?
Is it time to look for a new social circle?
Maybe just kill myself? I mean I guess I’m being an ungrateful bastard and I kind of don’t deserve people like you?
I can’t believe I’m feeling this against my blockmates. I thought high school is over? I thought college is different?
I guess some things haven’t changed.
I guess this is what it means to have trust issues.